3 Popular Movies with Absurd Plots

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Let’s not start out on the wrong foot here. Some of the movies featured on the list below are movies I like. And yet, like the unbiased movie scientist I am, I still can’t look past the absurdities of the plots. So, before reading on, please put aside your weird affection for Lindsay Lohan circa the late 90’s/early 2000’s, and look at these movies through the eyes of logic.

  1. 101 Dalmatians

If you hang out with me, it will only be a matter of time before I bring the matter of “101 Dalmatians” up. Just the thought of this movie gives me anxiety.What is there to be anxious about, you might be asking yourself, while simultaneously concerned about the level of anxiety I feel about a children’s movie. The problem is right in the title; 101 DOGS. There are 101 dogs in this movie, all living in a basement, waiting to be killed for fashion.

Let that sink in for you. A kid’s movie about the murder of puppies. I watched this at the tender age of 6 and thought “wait, so like, this woman who is never not smoking a long cigarette, is going to kill all those puppies?” and then developed a deep fear of Cruella De Ville.

Even at the end of the movie when (spoiler alert) the dogs are saved, they all then end up at one small London apartment with the two other dogs that already lived there. That’s 103 dogs. That’s just an irresponsible amount of dogs for one couple to have. Roger and Anita, you need to rethink your life, you’re spending 90% of your paycheck on dog food. Come on.

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2. Home Alone

This movie, without a doubt in my mind, is the best Christmas movie to ever exist. I’m all for Kevin McAllister. I like his pom pom hat, the way he demeans the grocery store cashier by being smarter, and I oddly often think about how delicious that mac and cheese he’s about to eat on Christmas Eve but never does, due to the small inconvenience of his house being robbed.

  PS: Mac and cheese AND milk? Dang, Kev, good luck with that diary explosion later.

PS: Mac and cheese AND milk? Dang, Kev, good luck with that diary explosion later.

Despite the love I have for this movie, I also have many questions. The first being “who the hell runs the Chicago Police Department in this movie?” Remember when Kevin’s mom calls the police to go check on him and they go over to the house and knock on the door? After about three knocks, when Kevin is too scared to answer the door, the police shrug their shoulders. “Guess he’s not there?” they say, then they leave. They just leave. Umm...what? Try harder? Maybe like, I don’t know, look in a window at least?

Aside from this shoddy police work, never once do the parents get in trouble for essentially leaving their kid alone for four days while they’re on vacation. If this happened in 2018, the McAllisters would be on every single news station. They’d be blasted by self righteous moms on Facebook. There’d be a go-fund-me for Kevin’s therapy sessions---because not only was he ditched by his entire family, but he also had to fend for his life against two criminals trying to kill him and steal all his stuff.

3. The Parent Trap

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I used to love this movie. I wanted to be Hallie Parker, with her cool “I don’t care, I live on a vineyard” attitude. However, now that I’m older, I watch this movie a bit differently.

Ok, so I’m on board for the twins meeting at camp. Whatever, doesn’t seem likely, but I’ll buy it. But the idea that while divorcing, both the twins’ parents were in agreement to just go halfies on their kids? “You take…I don’t know, this one? Lol, they’re twins...so does it even matter??” And then, after splitting them up and moving to different continents, those parents were content never ever mentioning the other child ever again. NOT ONLY THAT but the nanny and butler heard this plan and went “sounds reasonable.” The grandfather was like “can’t see why that would be a problem.” EVERYONE GAVE A GREEN LIGHT TO THIS PLAN. What? How?

When the two girls meet they aren’t even mad. They aren’t like “wow, I guess I thought my dad/mom was dead so this is pretty messed up to find out they’re alive AND have another kid”. They’re like “We’re sisters! Let’s eat oreos with peanut butter!!! Omg, chocolate and peanut butter...we’re so weird for liking that, we must be twins!”

So, the next time you go to enjoy these movies, hopefully a little voice chimes in and says “wait, wtf, this is actually emotionally disturbing!”. Because nothing says relaxation like going over the psychological nature of some of the most heartfelt movies of your childhood.

101 Dalmatians (Two-Disc Platinum Edition)
Starring Marjorie Bennett, Cate Bauer, Tom Conway, Barbara Beaird, Sandra Abbott
Home Alone
Starring Daniel Stern, Joe Pesci, Roberts Blossom, John Heard, Macaulay Culkin
The Parent Trap Two-Movie Collection (The Parent Trap / The Parent Trap II)
Starring Hayley Mills, Maureen O'Hara, Brian Keith, Cathleen Nesbitt, Charles Ruggles
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Sierra Burgess Is a Magnificent Beast

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Sierra Burgess Is a Magnificent Beast

Sierra Burgess Is a Loser certainly isn’t a To all the Boys I’ve Loved Before, but they are great movies in their own ways. Personally, I feel like a cool plot twist would’ve been Sierra and Veronica falling in love instead because their scenes together were some of my favorites. Sierra Burgess Is a Loser has all the makings of a traditional teen rom com; a mean girl, a loveable jock, a house party and a school dance. But the writers thankfully did away with one teen rom com trope: the makeover scene.

Makeover scenes are fun. How many of us have daydreamed about going shopping with our friends and trying on a bunch of different clothes, while trendy pop songs play in the background? They’re aesthetically pleasing, but the idea behind a makeover scene isn’t as nice. The makeover scene is so common, we almost expect it in most rom coms now. Think Sandy in Grease going from girl next door to every greasers wet dream to impress Danny Zuko. Or Zack Siler in She’s All That having his sister transform Laney in order to prove to his friends that he can turn any girl into a prom queen. We’re repeatedly shown that in order to get the guy, we have to change how we look.

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Sierra Burgess however, never changes the way she dresses. She never undergoes an outward metamorphosis, but rather one that is inward and more for herself than for the guy she likes. Sierra doesn’t hate herself, a trait we’ve seen in plenty movies, she is simply just still growing into herself. And her wondering if she is someone Jamey would be interested in, is a feeling I think most of us can relate to. Sierra is human, and is not defined by her imperfections. She is a self-proclaimed “magnificent beast”.

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Aren’t We All A Little Insatiable?

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I believe everyone and everything deserves a chance. Which is why I watched “Insatiable” on Netflix. And I think you should too, in fact I think everyone should. This isn’t a revenge body story, it’s a story for anyone who remembers being tormented by their peers about their weight. It’s a story for anyone who felt like they were less than because of their weight. The series is centered around Patricia Bladell, or “Fatty Patty” to her peers, a high school student who is shunned and ostracized by other students for her weight. Patty is depressed, and eats her feelings as she watches every Drew Barrymore movie ever made. Things change for Patty after she initiates a fist fight with a homeless man, who taunts her for eating a chocolate bar despite being overweight. After the fight, Patty’s jaw is wired shut leading to an all liquid diet for three months, causing her to lose about seventy pounds.

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There is essentially no difference between “Insatiable” and any other 80s or 90s rom com we grew up watching. Perhaps it’s the fact that we’ve all been Patty at one point in our lives. We’ve all gone home at one point in our lives and pinched at the extra skin, sucked in our tummies, looked at our extra jiggly parts in the mirror and longed for the day we’d head into the brick prison we called high school, and got complete and total satisfaction from watching our tormentors jaws hit the floor at our new body.

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This satirical series never claimed to be body positive. It claimed to be an angry “coming of rage story”, and that’s exactly what it is. We needed this. An angry story of what it means when we place a higher value on outer beauty and not inner beauty. What it means when we feel like our bodies aren't our own. It’s a cautionary tale, of what happens when we feed into revenge instead of working on ourselves. Patty may have lost the weight, but she didn’t lose the “weight” of being Fatty Patty.

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The show isn’t perfect, and is problematic in a lot of other ways, but I think it meant well.

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#RENAISSAUCE series - Coverage

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Written By: Gabi Torres

I had the opportunity to review/admire Puteri's #RENAISSAUCE series, and I have to say it was thought provoking, beautiful, and a bit disturbing.

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If you take a glance at the following images, you would think these are merely Renaissance's oil paintings. When you take a closer look, you can see there is a mix between Renaissance art, and images of women used in raunchy modern advertising

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The artist wants us to come to the realization that the "value of women" are being standardized, and pre-conceived. In this case, if you are portrayed in a renaissance painting, you're valuable... if you're showing your booty in an advertising, you're worthless.

I loved how she replaced the phone booth woman's eyes in replacement with the renaissance's woman's eyes... the messaging is - their value is the same, the conception is the only thing which changed.

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In Puteri's words:

..."Like the theory of the spectacle, it's a representation of the image “it isn't the real thing" the facade breaks and we lose the promise of the symbolizations in women renaissance paintings (such as youth and innocence)"

Thought provoking, right?

First of all, are we supposed to be an oil painting? Something fake, created by men, and expected to be subtle, fragile, and pleasant to look at - OR - should we release those mental chains, and define our real value/beauty?

We're human beings, far from perfect, and yet perfect the way we are. Let's stop shaming ourselves, and each other for not fitting in a mold.

Take a moment to have a deeper look to these images, and let us know what you think - Is there any VALUABLE difference between the Renaissance's muse and the Advertising woman?

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We are complex creatures which may have a little bit of these renaissance ladies mixed with the raunchier side. But whatever you choose to portray, make sure the notion and concept is coming from YOU and that you OWN it.

To read more on the #Renaissauce series visit www.gadogado.squarespace.com


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Ditch the Label and Be Fabulous

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Written By: Ro

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Looking back into history, the U.S. has come a long way. We became our own country, slavery was abolished, Women’s Right Movement (can I get a HELL YEAH?!), Civil Rights Movement, the list continues. Many lives were forever affected and to this day we still see the repercussions of such movements. The transgender community has yet to see justice on the horizon. They continue to be persecuted and live a life of anguish. I am here to use my voice to say this: We are all beautiful, live and let live.

Let’s take away everything we know about transgender women. Don’t they have two legs, two arms, a heart and a brain? Uh, yea. Laverne Cox (Sophia from Orange is the New Black) says it best. She says “ I choose to be seen and known in a world that tells me I shouldn’t exist.” ABSOLUTELY! AMEN SISTA! Listen up yo’, who cares if people disagree with what you look like. If you feel beautiful in a corset or mini skirt, you rock the hell out of that outfit!(and don’t forget the red lipstick) What a different world we would live in if we encouraged each other to do what makes us happy and not live under the watchful eye of...oh wait who gives a flying fuck who is watching! Aren’t we supposed to dance like nobody's watching? (I swear i see that quote on pillows, mugs, and t-shirts...you know it’s important if its on a t-shirt)

I take it as a ginormous complement that transgender women are fascinated by us so much, they became one of us! With open arms I welcome all of you into our world and maybe we can swap our favorite makeup tutorials on You Tube later (PrincessJoules has her contouring skills on point). Regardless of the gender you identify with, it doesn’t make you incapable of earning a degree, serving our country, saving lives in an operating room, shit even paying taxes. Think about this If you needed a heart transplant and the surgeon was a member of the transgender community would it really matter if they are wearing Victoria Secret panties or Fruit of the Loom briefs? HEEEEEEEELL NOO! Just save my life, STAT! It’s what’s in our hearts that really matters, let that inner beauty surface and radiate. Don’t let the dark thoughts take over your persona. Transgender rights are still human rights. So just live; live in the skin you’re in.

XOXO


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Crazy Cat Lady

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Written By: Gina Verrastro

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It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of a cat must be crazy. You’re familiar with the stereotype – an old woman wearing a threadbare shawl and tottering around her apartment filling bowls of food for more cats than a one-bedroom should legally be allowed to contain. Somewhere along the line, cat ownership became black mark on a woman’s record, indicative of loneliness and mental instability. A man with a cat is sensitive and responsible, but a woman with a cat is “crazy” – why?

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Some historians speculate that the association is rooted in 12th-century Christian superstition, specifically the belief that Satan often took the form of a black cat. Witches, believed to be worshippers and agents of Satan, were commonly depicted with feline familiars. In the late 1700s there was a shift from cats being linked to devil-worshipping sorceresses to sad, lonely spinsters. Convents disappeared with the Protestant Reformation, and so rather than becoming nuns, unmarried women were shuffled off to become wards in their relatives’ homes. To add insult to injury, artists and authors degraded these women by portraying them as using cats to fill the holes in their lives they had failed to fill with the socially acceptable figures of husband and children.

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The twentieth-century fascination with hoarders and their connection to cats further reinforced the cat lady archetype. Cats were represented as yet more objects compulsively collected to fill a void that older women were unable to fill in conventional ways due to personal inadequacies. By that point, it was simple math: a woman possesses traits that make her undesirable, therefore she is unable to find a romantic partner, therefore she must adopt a cat as a consolation prize. Working backward, if a woman owns a cat, she must have been able to find a romantic partner because obviously she would rather have one of those and was forced to settle for a cat, and if she couldn’t find a romantic partner she must be crazy.

Most of my female friends with cats wear the title proudly. They love their cats as much as if they were their children, and they don’t care what anyone thinks. Nor should they! Cats are not a fallback, they’re a conscious choice. Besides, it’s 2017 – cats and romantic partners are not mutually exclusive! I know, I have both, and the cat came first. Fortunately, the social climate is beginning to catch up to us enlightened ladies who take pride in our kitty companions. People are using the term “pet parents” instead of “pet owners,” and Taylor Swift’s cat is almost as famous as she is. You aren’t wrong, broken, unfeminine, or unlovable because you choose to have a cat, or three cats, or a whole house filled with cats. As long as you care for them properly, you can have as many cats as your lease says you can! So ladies, go forth, and love what you love, especially if what you love is cats.


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Let’s Talk About Hollywood

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Written By: Kimberly Davis

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Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to see Atomic Blonde; life just got in the way, but while I was looking for show times I found an interesting interview. While actors obviously want their movie to do well in the box offices, if Atomic Blonde doesn’t do well it means something entirely different for lead actress Charlize Theron.

In an interview she did with Bustle Charlize Theron explains that when a male actor makes an action movie and it doesn’t do so well, it’s the movies fault. However, women are not treated the same way. If an action movie that has a female lead doesn’t do well in the box offices, it’s her fault and she’ll find it’s even harder to book a big budget action movie again.

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The movie, which Charlize Theron stars in but also produced through her very own production company, is important for a couple of reasons. The film took Theron five years to perfect, with the ending product being a character that stands apart from most female led action movies. Lorraine, Charlize Theron’s character, isn’t handing out all this butt kick because she’s lost something or someone; she’s doing it because she can exist in that world, because she’s strong enough to fight in a male driven society.

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Lorraine, Charlize Theron, and even the person reading this, is more than capable of fighting anything that strives to get in her way. Now go out and kick butt, and see Atomic Blonde. Also, does Charlize Theron age at all? Asking for a friend.

Atomic Blonde
Starring Charlize Theron, James McAvoy, John Goodman, Til Schweiger, Eddie Marsan

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The history of the bikini

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Written By: Karlo Gomez // @KarloGomez

The first bikini made its debut 72 years ago poolside in Paris at a fashion show on July 5, 1946.

The bikini was invented by French automobile engineer Louis Reard.

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It was considered the itsy-bitsy-teenie-weeniest piece of fashion the world had EVER seen.     To think how times have changed. History reminds us how far we have come especially when it comes to fashion. 

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Soccer your soul

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Written by: Michelle Davalos ~ @michelle.g.davalos

As you may have heard, the United States did not qualify for the FIFA World Cup. This is a huge bummer, but all is not lost. We can cheer on the other North American teams such as Mexico, Costa Rica, and Panama. The world cup provides an opportunity for use to appreciate some of the fittest men in the world run in circles, cursing, sweating, while perfecting their acting skills.

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What I find most interesting for this World Cup is 23andMe sponsorship to “Root for Your Roots". This marketing scheme is pure genius! With 23andMe and Ancestry.com, genetic testing has become the norm. Everyone knows someone who has performed the saliva test and started to dive into the worm hole of their ancestry.

For me, this year the World Cup is much more than futball (soccer). The games will connect fans to cheer on countries which they have not visited but lives within their veins. I’m a fan of both Ancestry.com and futball. I performed the DNA test last summer and it has connected me to some of the most amazing, generous and loving people I have ever met. So, this world cup I’ll be rooting for my roots; England, Nigeria, Sweden, Denmark, and Senegal.

What teams will you be cheering for?

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Much love today and always,

M.


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Behind the Bouquet: Bridesmaid Survival Guide

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It’s that time of year again – Wedding Season.

If you haven’t been a bridesmaid before, welcome to the Wedding Party.

This year, I will walk down the aisle for the seventh time. That’s right; I’m working on my own closet full of 27 Dresses.

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Weddings are not everyone’s thing, but what’s not to love about love and new beginnings, especially when it’s people you care about? At the end of the day, your friend and their special someone commit their lives to each other… and there is cake.

It is a win-win situation.

But it is a big undertaking and as a bridesmaid, you are a not only an element in the ceremony and part of the overall decor, you are also staff in just about every aspect – time keeper, model, coordinator, decorator, dress holder, usher, clean-up crew.

Maybe you’re starting to feel a little like:

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To hopefully help ease some bridesmaid butterflies, below are a few tips –

1. Go With the Flow

This is not your day; it is the couple’s. But on top of planning, the couple is probably also trying to meet expectations of multiple people on both sides of their families and make all accommodations for them.

I am not saying be a doormat, but help out where needed and stay calm when things get crazy.

2. Be the Sounding Board

Fair warning, the wedding and all the other related events and details are going to take over the majority of your conversations with this friend for a while.

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She’s not meaning to torture you; she is excited and you’re one of the few people she can truly vent to about the behind the scenes drama. Pour her a glass of wine and be a loving ear while you put together center pieces and enjoy the quality time with your friend.

3. There is Beauty in Preparedness

As weird as this may sound, I have that scene in The Wedding Planner where she pulls out the Super Glue and saves the bride’s day by fixing her heel burned into my brain. That girl had EVERYTHING on hand to solve any wedding crisis and I am still striving to be that prepared at all times.  

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(Side-note, I would totally rock a heads-set and wouldn’t mind running into a Matthew McConaughey-type groomsman)

Bringing a tote with small, sometimes forgotten items can save quite some time: Q-Tips, Bobby Pins, hair spray, Tide-To-Go Pens, Advil, and tissues are solid go-to items.

On second thought, over-pack like you’re leaving civilization.

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4. Speeches

-Write them beforehand.

-Practice them. If you get choked up during certain parts of your speech just during practice, cut it.

-Make. Them. Short.

-Toast the couple at the end.

This comes from the personal experience of melting into a blubbering mess at my cousin’s wedding. Did I mention it was recorded?

5. Make sure the bride remembers to have fun!

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Yes, this is an important day, but sometimes bumps are going to pop up in the road. No matter what, she is leaving the venue holding the hand of the person she wants to spend her life with, the rest is just icing on the beautiful, delicious cake.

Side note: we all want to be the perfect, hot bridesmaid, but do NOT stress about the dress size. Brides want their bridesmaids to shine in attractive dresses and let’s face it- those sizes are in a horrible league all their own. You are going to look beautiful, no matter what size the tag reads!

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“Drake’s Celebration of Women + Cardi’s Big Announcement!”

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After digesting Cardi B’s debut album, Invasion of Privacy, which is currently on repeat, just before midnight 4/6 Drake dropped some Louisiana flare sprinkled with a Lauryn Hill sample.

The Canadian rapper-singer-songwriter has been winning our hearts since God’s Plan when he gifted his labels budgeted money to those in need - something he said was “The most important thing I’ve ever done.” What makes this visual gossip worthy? The badASS women & bonus - it was directed by Karena Evans. She was the brain behind the God’s Plan video & the first woman to ever recieve Canada’s Lipsett award for her “innovative and unique approach to music video art.”

Champagne Papi has undoubtedly given women the wings we needed to fly this summer providing us with gems we didn't even know we needed & I am here for it. The visual souvenir is dripping with women empowerment from Issa Rae, co-writer & star of the television series Insecure to actress, director & producer - Olivia Wilde. If you didn’t recognize them all - I got you.

Olivia Wilde

Misty Copeland

Issa Rae

Rashida Jones

Jourdan Dunn

Tracee Ellis Ross

Tiffany Haddish

Yara Shahidi

Zoe Saldana

Elizabeth Lejonhjarta

Victoria Lejonhjarta

Letitia Wright

Braia Vinaite

Emma Roberts

Syd

Michelle Rodriguez

This is the summer anthem that’s bringing “normal & natural” back + celebrating the everyday strides women take that are sometimes suppressed by the social media world - he emphasizes this in lyrics like “That’s a real one in your reflection/without a follow without a mention” and “You know dark days/You know hard times.” Damn right.

Tweets rang off as the OVO tribe celebrated the “cherry on top” to Friday. I feel the same way.

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This has been an epic weekend of women shining and being celebrated. Just when we had gathered our thoughts, Cardi B confirmed that she is expecting her first child!

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She made the announcement during her second performance on Saturday Night Live, TWO days after releasing her introductory album that was eligible for Gold Certification within the first 24 hours.

If you’re looking for me, I’ll be somewhere feeling empowered. Sunday Cheers!
 

Ni.


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“Set your timer, Jada is on!”

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Written By: Niya Smith ~ @niyaunique

Will Smith warned us in 2007 that he was a legend. Fast forward 11 years - he has managed to become our favorite “IGer” in a matter of 5 months. He references his profile as his new playground where he has managed to kick some real OG game, motivate and entertain all of IG. Last week, Will undoubtedly surprised us & posted this gem with the caption “I GOT HER ON THE GRAM!!! @jadapinkettsmith.

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Our girl Jada is on the gram.

We’ve loved the many roles but most recently I’ve studied her poised demeanor & her evolution as a wife and mother is, hypnotic. Best part? She is documenting it.

She has used this platform to let us in on her latest project with Facebook Watch, Red Table Talk. Jada is sharing the blueprint.

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She reveals that this venture “...has been an intense journey towards my healing and my need for more authenticity from within myself.” The show is intended to script this journey and it won’t just feature herself and daughter Willow but also other celebrity guests and family members. The most anticipated guest and I use that term because we don’t see enough of it, will be Will’s ex-wife Sheree Fletcher as they discuss their journey of co-mothering.

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The show airs today at 9 AM PST/12 PM EST on Facebook Watch, followed by a live chat with Jada. Setting my timer.


Big Love,

Ni.


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Quatro

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Written by: Michelle Davalos ~ @michelle.g.davalos

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It’s that time of the year again; the NBA finals are upon us. For the fourth year in a row we have the pleasure of watching the splash brothers and King James battle for the championship. Being a Bay Area gal, this is an exciting time! There is never a dull moment during these championship games. Points are always close between the challengers (almost never a large point spread), the game is action packed with multiple three-throws and in your face dunks. But the most entertaining aspect of the finals are the theatrics are impeccable. These men are grade A entertainers! Game 1 did not disappoint. Tensions were high, adrenaline running through their veins, yet no one missed an opportunity to throw themselves on the ground for being touched on the shoulder. Hey, even a little scuffle during over-time which led to two ejections.

Watching these games connects people from all walks of life, which I find to be the best attribute all championships. The games offer an opportunity for small talk before meetings, talking to your crush or even to make a new friend. I’m a major fan girl of all sport championships. They allow us to escape reality for an hour or so while connecting us with entertainment.

Enjoy the games and all their glory! Go Dubs!!!

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Much love today and always,

M.


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“The Carters dropped a Surprise Album”

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Written By: Niya Smith ~ @niyaunique

Millions launched the Tidal app last night to listen to The Carters new joint album, EVERYTHING IS LOVE. Ironically, we just had this conversation last week.

The Carters have OVER delivered. From top to bottom this piece is infused with soul, distinctly unique beats, unparalleled lyrics, and financial empowerment. I’ll share the nine track list.

1 SUMMER

2 APESHIT

3 BOSS

4 NICE

5 713

6 FRIENDS

7 HEARD ABOUT US

8 BLACK EFFECT

9 LOVEHAPPY

This was an essential - following Beyonce’s album Lemonade & Jay’s 13th studio album 4:44, this gave us the aftermath of trouble in paradise. Yoncè reminds us of the constant evolution of their relationship as she sings in their LOVEHAPPY song:

Baby, the ups and downs are worth it

Long way to go, but we'll work it

We're flawed but we're still perfect for each other

Sometimes I thought we'd never see the light

Went through hell with heaven on our side

This beach ain't always been no paradise

But nightmares only last one night

This solidified their commitment to their union - it takes courage to decide to rebuild a new foundation from the ground-up. The Carters then stepped into the Louvre Museum to give us a simultaneous visual to their song APESHIT.

CLICK TO WACTH NEW VIDEO

Following this video at last night’s show the words “ALBUM OUT NOW” flashed on the screen. What is marketing?

Twitter also chimed in.

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This album can spin on any occasion, forever appropriate. Cheers to the Carters.

Xo,

Niya.


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