Imagine this: it’s Saturday night.
You’re single, home alone, and horny as fuck.
What do you do?
I bet the first thing that came into many of your minds is masturbate! ... Why not, right?
Well, while I do love a good masturbation session, there’s not much I like more than getting fucked by someone else;
Someone that I am incredibly attracted to, who I can express my needs to, who can reach spots that are physically impossible for me to access,
and someone who I can kick out once both of our needs have been satisfied... respectfully, of course.
These are just some of the benefits of hooking up!
Hooking up often gets a bad rap. And while I definitely understand why - it’s often dominated by males and their needs, women’s satisfaction is largely not a concern, many feel pressured to do things that they don’t feel comfortable doing, etc. - it can also be an incredibly empowering experience.
Sex is a healthy and natural part of life. We are sexual beings. And we all have sexual needs that we want satisfied... even those of us without (consistent) partners.
I think it’s unreasonable, unfair, and simply stupid, to expect people to abstain from sex because they aren’t in a meaningful relationship. I call bullshit on that! ...It’s definitely not a norm that I subscribe to.
I have always been a sexual person; Someone in touch with my wants and needs. I have also always been a people pleaser. Together, these make for a risky combination, as I have found myself doing things that I didn’t really want to be doing, for the sake of being liked and leaving a good impression.
After many unsatisfactory hook ups, where my needs were definitely not addressed, I eventually realized that these fools I was hooking up with had just as much obligation to satisfy me, as I did them. And that I also deserve to be pleasured and satisfied.
When people hook up, which I take to mean anything beyond making out, the idea is that all parties get their needs met and walk away satisfied. All parties! That includes you, babe.
Realizing that I had every right to stand up for myself and challenge the norms of hook up culture was a powerful experience.
Believing and trusting in myself to speak up, claim my power, and to ask for exactly what I wanted was something I hadn’t experienced before. It was freeing... Empowering. It was like I was breaking the societal chains that were keeping me living in a world of “should’s” and “supposed to’s.” A world of limitations.
This helped me see that I didn’t owe anyone shit, and that if I wasn’t feeling it, for whatever reason, I was going to pick my flat ass up and walk out. No guilt. No shame. I didn’t need to dishonour myself in order to get the approval of a casual hook up.
Follow your intuition, and do what is best for you. Again, you don’t owe anyone anything.
So, how do you hook up in a way that empowers you?
My suggestion? Radical honesty, always. And especially when your body, your comfort, your safety, and sexual activity are involved.
An empowering hook up revolves around setting and enforcing boundaries, and being vocal. I believe the following are crucial aspects of an empowering hook up:
feeling safe and respected by your partner(s),
to practice safe sex *see below*,
all parties be upfront and honest about their intentions,
to feel comfortable expressing your needs, wants, and desires,
to be willing to guide and correct their technique to match your preferences, and
to be prepared to use your voice to give feedback and to say no, stop, I don’t like that, please leave, etc.
*Practicing safe sex is always a good idea, and is especially important when hooking up with people you don’t know very well.
Safe sex can include many things. Some important aspects to consider are:
Getting tested for STI’s regularly,
Using birth control, especially condoms, as they are the only form of birth control that protect against STI’s.
Using dental dams during oral sex,
Hooking up when sober and not under the influence of anything that may impair judgement,
If meeting someone for the first time, meet in public and always tell a friend if and where you are going to be intimidate, as well as much of your dates information as you have.
I understand that not everyone shares my views on hooking up, and that’s totally understandable. I know that for many, sex is something sacred and to be shared with special partners only, and I respect that.
My intention was not to convince you to change your ways, but rather to spread awareness in hopes of educating and encouraging a willingness to learn about things we aren’t as familiar with. As well as be more accepting and less judgemental when it comes to people’s personal choices.
Everyone has needs, and there is nothing wrong with getting them satisfied, as long as you are safe, and everyone involved is on the same page.