She is fearless.
She wears her hair and skirts long,
Her list of worries is short.
She finds adventure in every day and travels the world without concern.
She is relentless in learning,
in loving those close to her with every inch of her heart.
She does it all with ease.
She has a million stories people can’t wait to hear over and over.
She makes her own work schedule and rides her horse fast across the hay fields, sand and mountains.
She is healthy, strong, confident, beautiful and happy.
The woman I thought I’d be is not who I see every morning.
There are times when I am at work or doing dishes where the life I pictured and the reality of my actual life hit me like a truck. Then I sit there hating me and feeling ashamed about the things I never finished or even started; depressed I’m not a better, thinner, prettier, smarter, more successful version of me.
In those moments, it feels like there is a slow-closing garage door pressing on me as my 20s roll faster and faster towards my 30s, my 40s, and the rest of my life.
And it is so exhausting!
I’m sick of being “lost” and “searching” to find what I want in life. It seems like I’m now just using that excuse as a way for me to explain to others why I am not dating someone, trying to have a baby, or buying a house.
And I’m done.
I am through trying to explain myself or my decisions, in hopes of gaining a small piece of understanding from other people. While it can seem like the safer, more acceptable option is to live in the boxes someone else makes for us than to build one we envision for ourselves, it is terribly constricting on our souls.
I still don’t have it all figured out and I’m definitely not that woman I wanted to be...yet.
Life changes so much that trying to get it all figured out before hitting the metaphorical road is a waste of time. The only thing we can do is map out an idea and change the course as needed.
Because nothing is certain, I decided to focus on the concrete things I know about myself.
What do I see?
What do I believe?
What do I want?
What do I actually enjoy doing, not what do I feel like I HAVE to do?
This reflection made me actually say and write things about me that I hadn’t before. It ranged from realizing that I value honesty above all else to admitting I really do not like buffalo sauce.
I encourage you to take some time and think about what you really value and how you really want to spend your time.
Then start acting on it.
You can envision who you want to be all day, every day, but to finally be her, you have to make choices she would make, choices that you truly believe in and want.