**for purposes of this piece, i’ll write about my love for “him”, it doesn’t mean that all women’s relationships must be with a male. Love.is.love
Has this ever happened to you? You are stuck in a relationship where you feel “trapped? The day to day interaction is destructive, but there’s something about that dynamic that doesn’t let you get out.
I guess that it is weird how our brain works, and for some reason we get addicted to these uncomfortable feelings.
Most of the times, those toxic dynamics affect our self esteem, and make us doubt if we are good enough. As a solution we try to “fix” ourselves in order to be “perfect” for our significant other. We tend to go back in time, and follow step by step what we said/did, that made him so upset!
The truth is, you’re probably not doing anything wrong. In some cases, you might be forcing a situation to work, and instead getting the exact opposite result. We have to remember that love, and compatibility are natural, and should flow seamlessly. Yes, all relationships need work, but the special ingredient - that je ne sais quoi - needs to be there!
There is a human behavior called “escalation of commitment” - According to Wikipedia, “it is a pattern in which an individual or group—when faced with increasingly negative outcomes from some decision, action, or investment—continues the same behavior rather than alter course. They maintain actions that are irrational, but align with previous decisions and actions.”
Ok, that is a concept I was introduced to a couple of years ago while doing my master’s, and I thought that if I knew about it before, I could have avoided so many horrible love decisions (yes, it was a business class, but you know, latin women make everything about love)
How to identify if you are falling into the “escalation of commitment” spiral?
The couple's communication is hard, and feels forced
You fight, you make out, you fight again...
No matter how hard you try to make things perfect, it always goes the wrong way
You are over-thinking your actions, so you don’t make him upset
…..HOWEVER you don’t even consider to break up with him because:
You’ve been together for a long time
You’ve invested “so much” in the relationship
You’ve introduced him to your parents, and friends… now what are they going to think?!
All these “reasons” to not break up are an indicator that you are stuck in a vicious cycle. The good news is - you can change the direction of the story, and empower yourself to improve your own happiness.
It’s time to love yourself first (so much that you won’t allow anyone else to hurt you), and to remember how valuable you are. Take a moment to assess your strengths, and capabilities. Allow yourself to be aware of all the things that make you unique. Look at yourself in the mirror, and acknowledge the amazing human being you are.
(You ARE precious. You ARE unique. And most importantly, you ARE in-charge of your own happiness!)
Analyze what are the positive things this relationship is bringing you. Are you happy? Are you going to achieve growth together? Is it a win-win situation? - If the answer is no. It’s time to get out.
I know the future is uncertain, and moving out of the comfort zone is hard..but it’s totally worth it. Make a decision NOW, that your FUTURE self would be thankful for.
You’re awesome, you’re worth it, you deserve better.
With much love,