I just turned twenty-one.
No, I didn’t get obscenely drunk and burn bridges while making friends with bartenders and complete strangers. Really.
In light of my newfound 21-year-old wisdom (as I maintain that I am older AND wiser), I’m going to reflect on 21 personal truths that I’ve come to realize at my ripe old age.
1. Post Malone is a babe, and I don’t care that he looks a little bit like something that might crawl out of a dumpster. He’s my kind of man.
2. I don’t watch cat videos. I watch Buzzfeed Tasty videos because I have a personal belief that everyone needs to know eight ways to make onion rings.
3. Gifs and memes have the potential to create a solid base for the longest-lasting friendships.
4. I don’t actually care where my fellow college kids interned. Stop attacking me for my lack of motivation.
5. I will not give in to Spotify’s demands. I don’t care that Premium is cheaper for students. I happen to enjoy cringey ads and annoying interruptions.
6. Maria von Trapp is my idol, and I’m looking for my very own Captain with seven children. Only I can’t sing and I’m actually not that great with kids. Huh.
7. Crocs are not shoes. Period.
8. Meat Loaf IS SERIOUSLY UNDERRATED AS AN ARTIST AND I WILL CONTINUE TO DEFEND HIS GLORIOUS WORK.
9. Additionally, meatloaf is seriously OVERRATED AS A FOOD.
10. Being single at 21 is really okay.
11. Everyone should work in retail so that they know how much of a pain in the ass human beings are.
12. I lived for about 4 years looking like Harry Styles only slightly chunkier and less boyishly handsome.
13. I don’t know what a Bodak Yellow is.
14. I give everyone nicknames. I’m awful at remembering names.
15. I’m not photogenic. Seriously. I have, like, one good angle, and I only look good if the camera is two miles away.
16. I want to dress like Serena van der Woodsen, have the power of Blair Waldorf, have the confidence of Chuck Bass, and be as loyal as Nate Archibald. Fuck Dan Humphrey.
17. I want to walk up the aisle to an acoustic version of Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up”.
18. I also plan to have a pizza bar at my wedding, and my brothers are going to help me do a keg stand in my wedding dress.
19. I spend the majority of my paychecks in thrift stores, because I can always use another leopard-print bomber jacket or a lightly used Gavin Degraw t-shirt.
20. What runs through my veins is not blood, it’s too-sweet coffee and cheap beer.
21. I’m 21 by number, feel like I’m 16 emotionally, and my body feels like I’m about 45. I really don’t feel that different than the Emma of a week ago, but hey. Cheers to another year!