Time for Sex: Ways to Prioritize Sexy Time

Apr 15, 2020
Written by
Talya Feldman-Lloyd
Photographed by
Art By: Beomjin kim
S

o, you’ve been with your romantic partner for a while now and things are going pretty well. You feel loved, happy, and hopeful, but you’ve also noticed that there’s been a major dip in how often you’re having sex.

Perhaps you’ve been masturbating more to make up for the lack of sexual intimacy with your partner, or perhaps you’re silently suffering and building up resentment as a result of feeling disconnected and unsatisfied.

I understand that life can easily get it in the way. Whether it’s managing a busy schedule, planning a wedding, dealing with personal crisis and change, getting a promotion, grieving the death of a loved one, battling mental health, raising your kids, meal prepping, working out, healing, and all else, it’s clear that life can get pretty fucking busy and complicated.

Regardless of what you’re going though, I think there are ways to help keep your sex life hot, heavy, and satisfying and here they are.

Ways to Prioritize Sex in your Relationship

1.  Practice open and honest communication - our needs, wants and desires are constantly changing and it’s important to share these with our partner(s). Sharing things like how often do you ideally want to have sex per week, or what you can’t get enough of. Or telling your partner that you love it when they ___, or that it does not feel good when they ___.

Communicating openly is crucial to making sure that you’re on the same page and to know what’s important to all involved. For example, if your partner informs you that it’s important for them to be sexually intimate twice a week, the other(s) can do their part to ensure that happens, assuming that they are willing, wanting, and comfortable doing so.

2. Focus on enhancing your connection - often, it is when we feel disconnected to our partner(s) that we tend to have less sex. For many, physical touch is a way of expressing love to your partner(s), so when you feel connected, you’re more likely to have sex more frequently. Take a look at the Five Languages of Love, by Gary Chapman, and discover which are your love languages and which your partner prefers.

Just because you prefer love being demonstrated through quality time or gift giving, doesn’t mean your partner has the same preferences. It’s important to adjust how we express love so that our partner will feel our love, as well as supported and valued. 

3. Schedule it in - many people are totally reliant on their planners for their daily performance and life structure. By that I mean that if it’s not scheduled in the calendar, it’s not gonna happen. So consciously set aside some time for both quality and sexy time together. This can be as often or as little as you and your partner agree to and want. *Tip: sync up your calendars so you both get multiple notifications for sexy time and can see when there is an availability in both your schedules.

4. Make it fun and spice it up so it’s something you look forward to - sometimes our sex routines can get boring. We kiss a little, lick a little, touch, fuck, and then cuddle. But what if our sex life wasn’t limited to a routine? Make it fun. Play twister, the sexual addition, of course. Or strip/ sex poker. Use toys. Blindfold your lover. Tease a little. Use a feather to tickle sensitive areas. Role play and really get into it - costumes help.

I see couples with four young kids and full-time jobs who have the best sex of their lives regularly. I also see couples with zero kids and flexible jobs who don’t have a lot of sexy playtime 

It’s really about determining what is important to all partners, how often you want to have sexy alone time together, and then being dedicated and committed to making it fit into your busy lives. Life won’t slow down and get easier. But you’ll get better at prioritizing things into your life when they’re important to you.

I hope this has given you some tools, confidence and inspiration to really making time to connect with your partner, whether it ends in an orgasm, or not. Connection is crucial.

 xox

-Talya

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