ost of you know about that dreaded symptom writers fall prey to, ‘writers block’
It’s when you can’t seem to get your feelings and words out in a way you can be happy with, try as you might, nothing seems to flow easily.
I was feeling the same way towards dating. I was hopeless, impatient and frustrated. I wasn't meeting anyone that could keep my interest for more than a day or two.
It wasn't for lack of trying either. I was connecting with men who were interested in me and wanted to meet, but all of them just wanted to fuck.
Worse, they all had no idea how to fuck me. Physically or mentally.
I'm all for sex, but I can't simply fuck for the sake of fucking. I've been there, done that. It's boring and frankly, not that satisfying.
When the mental connection is strong, it takes the physical to places beyond the mind.
I just can’t have it any other way.
Obviously, reciprocation is crucial.
He needs to be intrigued by me.
To see beyond the sex and to want to know what makes me tick, in all ways.
And vice versa. I need all that too.
I get bored and sure enough, I'm disappointed, over and over.
It's happened so many times now that I've lost count.
I prefer to lose count on my orgasms -- not disappointments.
Then there has been the flip side. I have met a couple of men who managed to capture my attention and mind, but for one reason or another, the physical just wasn't computing equally.
I can't even put my finger on exactly what was interfering with our physical connection or attraction, but after a coffee or a kiss, or a make-out session, even as far as sex, something switched off. I can't explain why.
And those were hard conversations to have, but I had to be honest. I swore I would do everything I can to be authentic in every facet of my life.
One took my rejection as a challenge and tried to convince me to see him again. That annoyed the fuck out of me even more.
Others took it in stride and were gentleman about it and respected my feelings. Which made me feel worse about not knowing fully the reasons why the connections weren't feeling right.
So, I decided to stop.
I stopped hunting magic.
Because, magic can't be found.
Magic finds you.
I had been on the hunt for months, looking in all the usual, familiar places, chasing rainbows and butterflies. And it's been pointless, but, necessary.
I needed to have this ah ha! moment. I needed to experience the disappointments and frustration to make me aware of how my energy was again, misplaced on a futile hunt instead of being present. Instead of being focused on things in my life that I can control and shape. And continue the focus on my emotional intelligence and my own magic, so one day, it will meet its match.