How to rebuild after a breakup

Aug 12, 2020
Written by
NICHOLE HERBERT
Photographed by
T

here is a quote that reads, “the hardest relationship one will ever have is with themselves, because you can never walk away from it.” You can’t walk away from yourself when you feel ashamed of your actions. You can’t walk away from yourself when you’re experiencing guilt, or regret. The universal law of correspondence has never been more congruent with the term self love. This law is the everlasting truth that your outer world is nothing more than a reflection of your inner world— as within, so without. Arriving to this truth, may yield a polarity of epiphany and horror within. The most basic reasoning being that you can never again grant your mind permission to cast any internal woes on another’s actions, without your soul feeling fraudulent.

Without this truth, women struggle to solve the puzzling pattern of attracting the wrong men, or people for that matter.  Years of failed relationships ranging from the mere situationship to the committed wound mates plague so many well intentioned, beautiful, intelligent women. The heart adopts multiple wounds with each breakup, and it feels a little more shame, defeat, and broken each go around. Most do not live in that agonizing pain for very long though. unlike physical pain, emotional pain isn’t so easily detected. After some time from a breakup, those wounds can seem undetectable. Many carry on with with their perceived lessons that they learned, and step back into the ring of love hoping the next match will be the last. You may groom yourself to exude independence, intelligence and excellence on the surface. You may develop a BS meter that detects the proverbial douchebag from a mile away. You may mask your insecurities and pain with a perceived confidence, and wit. Or you may wander the other direction of feeling jaded, and resentful— building barriers the size of Everest that prevent anyone from hurting you again. The caveat is that none of these scenarios will suffice when they’re still rooted from a lack of trust within. They will not suffice when they can so easily be triggered by the past emotional wounds left unaddressed. They instead, condition the perfect union with a person in your head, without taking the necessary time to first build the perfect union within yourself.

I say this in hindsight after my own fool proof formula eventually left me paralyzed.

Someone once said they truly believe that every single person has to go through something that absolutely destroys them, in order to find out who they truly are. For me, it was my last heartbreak. I was 2 weeks shy of my 30th birthday, and no amount of pride or resilience could pick me up off the floor. I transitioned periodically through anger, self pitty, resentment, and grief. My egoistic state searched every compartment of my mind for clarity. It searched for a remedy, or new formula. I instead, found a pattern. I discovered a pattern of emotionally detached men that I subconsciously manifested, serving as the mirrored version of everything I continuously suppressed over the span of a decade. Every internal wound I slapped a bandage on manifested. Every attempt to avoid real vulnerability manifested. Every hidden bout of fear, shame and regret manifested. Upon even further analysis was the revelation that the amount of agony felt, was within direct correlation with the grandiose expectations I had for this relationship. Yes love was indeed there, however when someone has gaping wholes of unidentified pain, they often subconsciously rely on the love from others to fill and heal them. Therefore my pain simultaneously reflected heartbreak from a broken union within and without. I not only lost him, I lost me. It was emotional was masochism.

That’s the thing about self love. It always serves as your North Star—whether that be to peace, or chaos. If you cannot fall in love with yourself unconditionally, you can never expect someone else to.

We hear this a lot, but still somehow have a reserved section on Amazon for self help books. What I am coming to discover is that many women like myself, have great difficulty allowing ego to take a back seat to our heart and soul. We live in a world of instant gratification, and log into an app that screams “I’m rich and married!” All over the explorer page daily.

Success is often measured in forms of money, and relationships, and there is immense pressure that comes with that. Along with that, the path to emotional fulfillment and healing is unfathomably strenuous.  However, your internal peace, and comfort within is the most substantial to your foundation before any form of external validation. When discovering and embracing self love, it’s important to understand that it includes the accountability for your shadowy side that you’d rather others not see, just as much as your determined, beautiful, best self presented daily. It is not allowing your pride to subjugate your sensitivity to those external energies that trigger you. It is being honest about what disrupts your peace and cutting the chord to it. It is allowing the world to see that you are not a robot, and do not need to have your next 3 chess moves figured out. Self love is revisiting your childhood innocence, and allowing it to spark joy back into your adulthood. It is nurturing your emotional wounds back to health, then addressing what aided in causing them in the first place. It is full authenticity regardless of what’s perceived acceptable. It is replacing emotional distractions with emotional discipline. Self love is whatever serves as your North Star to your internal alignment and bliss. It is working with your demons, instead of allowing them to control you. It is rising from the ashes as the Phoenix you are. Lack of failure doesn’t make you invincible, pulling yourself back up does. This is why self love is the hardest love you’ll ever experience. You are ever evolving, and ever changing. You will make mistakes, and experience regret. Others will hurt you, and you’ll have to fight to forgive—but there’s no other star in the galaxy that illuminates more than the one within you. You are worthy of your own light. Allow it to shine. As within, so without.


Thank you!!


Nichole

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