How Writing Helped Me

Cope While Caring for Aging Parents with Cancer and COPD

Writing has always been therapeutic for me. When life wreaks havoc, I turn to writing to process my emotions and find calm. Three weeks ago, my mom’s oncologist told us the cancer had returned, and she needs more aggressive chemotherapy. Meanwhile, my dad battles COPD, on oxygen 18 hours a day and a nebulizer 6 hours daily. He takes many medications and, stubborn as a goat, resists sometimes.

Embracing the Role of Caregiver — But How Do I Care for Myself?

I’m learning to embrace my role as my parents’ caregiver, but the harder task is taking care of me while taking care of them. Many caregivers for aging parents experience grief — often without realizing it. A parent who was once strong begins asking for help. It seems simple, right? But inside, there’s a knot in our hearts.

The Hidden Grief of Watching Parents Age

We grieve the loss — the loss of function that makes our parents need us. Weren’t they the ones who helped us? Weren’t they the ones in charge? These changes are subtle. I remember watching my parents age normally, occasionally startled by the reality that they were changing. But I never consciously faced the loss and pain. It lived quietly beneath my awareness.

The Exhaustion of Caregiving: Transporting, Medications, and Fighting Insurance

My sister and I walk this journey together — taking turns transporting our parents to doctor appointments, filling and managing meds, cooking and delivering meals, and fighting insurance providers. I find my own energy drained and depleted. My mom, diagnosed with CML leukemia in 2010, has fought hard — nearly dying from chemo side effects, then thriving in a clinical trial. But setbacks come again, not just for her, but for our whole family.

Writing a Will and Facing Inevitable Loss

Just recently, mom asked me to help write her will — something we’d spoken about years ago but never completed. She also asked me to choose items in her home she wanted me to receive after her passing. As she handed me the papers and pointed to things in her basement to load into my car, I felt a wave of unspoken emotions. I kept my strong facade because she needed me, but inside I was shaken by the inevitability of loss.

Understanding Anticipatory Grief vs. Early Grief in Caregiving

I learned the grief I’m feeling is called anticipatory grief — the pain we feel as we prepare for the death of a loved one. But there’s another kind I call early grief — more subtle, creeping, and dangerous if ignored. It builds with small losses: their loss of function and independence, and our loss of their independence. It’s also the loss of our own time — for ourselves, jobs, and children.

Why Early Grief Can Destroy Caregivers’ Health

This quiet grief can damage mental and physical health, sometimes leading to depression. If left unrecognized, it can slowly kill parts of us as we witness loss after loss before death even occurs. Research shows that 30% (or more) of caregivers die before their loved ones. Early grief is a major factor in this tragic statistic.

How Caregivers Can Survive This Season of Life

We need to be friends to ourselves and seek help — professional support or caregiver groups — before we become a number in the statistics. The well of grief is deep, and we must watch so we don’t drown in sorrow before even acknowledging it. Caregivers suffer too, and their grief deserves recognition and compassion.

To all caregivers navigating this difficult season, I send love, light, peace, and prayers. Take care of yourself as fiercely as you care for your loved ones. Stay safe and stay well.