We’ve been through so many life hurdles together. At such a young age, we’ve had our innocence taken away from us and grew up in a household full of violence stemmed from intergenerational trauma. Never being good enough for our Tiger Mom, always trying to be people-pleasers, and not feeling like we’re good enough, have taken an emotional and mental toll. The lack of familial love led to seeking refuge in romantic relationships which failed one after another. Falling for the wrong guys, dating to close a void, and self-sabotaging with nice guys were all red flags of not being ready for companionship. Yet, when our inner demons slowly crawled out and lived beneath our skin, we chose to push away friends and lovers who truly cared about us. We hated ourselves as we silently screamed for help but felt like a burden and deemed unworthy to seek assistance.
Esther, it’s been a wild ride. The emotional roller coaster on a broken track set to fall off a cliff at the age of 30, miraculously came to a halt. The PTSD, anxiety, bulimia, and depression —you were there for it all and I applaud you for sticking by my side, but it’s time for me to let you go. My younger self, whom I couldn’t save from unfortunate events or give a better life, I’m incredibly sorry. You were good to me by putting up walls so I wouldn’t get hurt even though they were doing the opposite. Thank you for holding on when I was ready to give up. I’m ready to take charge of my life now and will learn to love the present and future me in remembrance of you. When you’re reading this, I would be gone from your world; I’m parting from this area of subconsciousness that prevented me from moving forward. Just know you’re not alone. I fixed the roller coaster track before my departure, which will lead you to a place filled with happy memories popping up every time I find them. And remember, you are and have always been enough.
Haira Esther Kang