How to Love Yourself:

A Practical Guide to Cultivating Self-Love

Why Loving Yourself Feels So Hard

Not long ago, a client came into my office frustrated and asked:

“I KNOW I need to love myself more, but HOW the hell do I do that?”

She wasn’t the first, and she certainly won’t be the last.

As we celebrate a month filled with messages about love, it’s worth asking: what does it truly mean to love oneself?

I like to think of LOVE as a verb—a set of actions we take to prioritize the best interest of another (or Self). The feeling of love is just the byproduct. Yet, we often confuse the feeling with love itself. Without action, love cannot grow internally.

Love Is Action: Why Doing Matters

In couples counseling, I hear partners say they feel a lack of passion. When I ask what they do together, the answer is often: “We don’t have time.”

Love, like exercise, produces rewarding feelings—but it’s not always easy. Taking steps toward someone else is hard enough, but taking steps toward ourselves can feel even more challenging.

As women, we’re often taught to take care of others, leaving our own needs neglected. Over time, this can lead to depletion, resentment, and ineffective coping strategies.

How Well Do You Know Yourself?

Self-love begins with self-awareness. Using mindfulness—paying non-judgmental attention to thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations—you can listen deeply to your heart’s desires.

Think of self-love as planting a seed of intention. But like any seed, it needs the right environment to grow:

• Sunshine: Positive experiences and self-compassion
• Water: Consistent attention and care
• Healthy soil: Freedom from negative self-talk, self-sabotage, or neglect

Ask yourself: Are you creating the conditions for your intention to blossom?

Self-Discipline as an Act of Self-Love

Discipline isn’t about punishment—it’s about curious study of the Self. By observing our coping strategies and old habits, we can:

• Identify patterns that no longer serve us
• Replace them with nurturing, healthy behaviors
• Make choices that reflect true self-care, not just temporary relief

The goal is knowledge and understanding of your needs, beyond bubble baths and scented candles.

Practical Steps to Cultivate Self-Love

Here’s how to put self-love into action:

1. Identify Physical Patterns

• Write down the physical cues that appear during cravings or stress
• Recognize how your body signals unmet needs

2. Create a Nurturing Actions List

• List 3–10 small acts that make you feel loved and cared for
• Schedule at least one of these actions today and throughout the week

3. Monitor Your Focus

• Observe what you naturally focus on during cravings
• Choose instead from your nurturing actions list to redirect attention

4. Rewrite Your Inner Dialogue

• Identify recurring negative self-talk
• Write a new story or affirmation to read daily
• Replace old language patterns with empowering, supportive words

Putting It All Together

If love is a verb, what actions can you take to care for yourself? How can you create the best inner environment for your intentions to grow and flourish?

Self-love is intentional, consistent, and actionable. By cultivating mindfulness, self-discipline, and small nurturing behaviors, you can transform your internal environment into fertile ground for love, growth, and fulfillment.