Vanished Without A Trace

Jan 7, 2020
Written by
Talya Feldman-Lloyd
Photographed by
Cover Art By: Alia
A

nd then he vanished. Without saying a word. As if the time we spent together over the past 2 months meant nothing to him. As if the words he’d whispered to me were completely meaningless. 

Welcome to the world of ‘Ghosting’... it fucking sucks!! 

What is Ghosting?

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the concept, ghosting is the cowardly act of ignoring, blocking, andcutting someone who you have an existing relationship with out of your life,without a word or explanation. This relationship can be platonic or romantic.

I have been ghosted, as have many of my friends, and I can tell you that it’s frustrating, hurtful, and disrespectful. Not to mention incredibly offensive and unnecessary.

The effects of being ghosted can be emotionally damaging, especially to those with preexisting self-esteem issues. 

Why is it so common these days?

Online dating and apps like tinder,hinge, and bumble make ghosting and getting away with it very easy to do. 

If two people speaking on a dating app have yet to exchange phone numbers and personal information, once one of them deletes the match on the app, all communication ceases - you no longer have a way of contacting that individual. 

These apps are ideal for ghosters because they (the ghosters) don’t have to worry about getting reprimanded for their obnoxious behaviour. The apps allow them to successfully avoid experiencing any emotional turmoil involved with getting called out for acting like a little bitch.

When the connection formed is not particularly strong or intimate, there may be fewer social consequences associated with cutting someone out just like that. In my opinion, it’s never ideal or acceptable to treat another human like that.

Ghosting bothers the shit out of me for two main reasons: 

  1. I think it’s totally pathetic that a grown ass adult is unable to express themselves truthfully - am I really that intimidating that you fear my     reaction?  
  1. Part of the motivation for ghosting is assuming that you (the person being ghosted) can’t handle the truth - that you like this person so freaking much,  you’ll be devastated to learn that they aren’t interested. HA! Don’t flatter yourself, hunny!

I am a reasonable person who understands that not everyone will be interested in me romantically, or platonically. Just like I won’t be interested in creating a relationship with everyone who I meet. Not everyone clicks, and that’s ok. Rejection is a part of life. Especially dating life.

Is rejection fun? No. Is it survivable? Yes. 

Excuses, Excuses

I have had the interesting experience of re-matching with a few people who have ghosted me in the past. It ook this as an opportunity to ask questions and get answers as to why they felt that approach was necessary. 

Usually, ghosters don’t have a legitimate reason for behaving the way they do - they likely didn’t have feelings for you, and they were too scared to be straight up, so they took the easy way out; they vanished, without a trace.

Another excuse I have come across is that they started seeing someone else, and didn’t know how to share that information.

Lastly, the excuse that manipulators love to use - “I liked you so much, my feelings got the best of me - I don’t usually feel so strongly about someone and I was scared of getting ‘too close.’”

Uhhh, can you say bullshit? Biggest eye roll.

Let’s be real... all excuses you could possibly give for ghosting are pretty pathetic. They’re lame attempts atsaving face and at validating poor behaviour. 

To cut someone out of your life and not give a simple explanation, like, “hey, I’m not feeling it, tootles!” - isdisrespectful, plane and simple.

Respectful Rejections

Below, I have provided a couple examples of how to kindly reject someone. 

The next time you get the urge to be a dick and ghost someone, and feel like you don’t owe anyone an explanation, Iinvite you to try challenging yourself and that thought. I’m pretty certain that most will appreciate the honesty.

Kind Rejections: 

- “Hey - I’ve had a lot offun talking to you and hanging out together, but I have to be honest and saythat I don’t feel the romantic connection that I’m ideally looking for. I hopeyou understand. I’m definitely open to maintaining a friendship if you have anyinterest.” 

- “Hey (insert name here)!I think you’re a great person and I’ve enjoyed getting to know you.Unfortunately, I don’t really feel an emotional connection between us, and that’s what I’m hoping to find at this point in my life. I wish you the bestand hope you understand.” 

Feel free to alter the above examples to make them more fitting to your situation. I think the mostimportant part is to be authentic and honest, in a gentle manner. 

Dating is hard. Don’t make it harder by being an asshole. 

Every person deserves respect -Let’s give honesty a shot.

Does that sound like something that’s do-able for you? Or, would you rather continue to ghost? – Let me know!!I’d love to know your opinions.

Thanks for stopping by.

 

Until next time, 

-       Talya, xox

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